arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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