Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
