I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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