just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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