I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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