he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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