If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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