Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
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