dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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