i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
