i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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