you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
