Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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