he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
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