I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
