FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Randomize
