I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
