I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
