Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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