I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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