Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
