so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
