if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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