Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
the raccoons are back...
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