i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Randomize
