I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Fuck me I smell like cheese
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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