mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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