I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
In America we eat man semen.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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