i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
