They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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