Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
