I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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