I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
