you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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