I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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