someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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