i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
