cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
