god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
