I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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