I can't breathe out the right side of my face
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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