I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
