I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
you didnt know i had herpes?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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