Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Randomize
