So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
