yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Randomize
