Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
i now understand why vodka
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
