smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
