You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
