Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
