If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
