I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
